Leaving a church and finding a new one

You may be reading this with a heavy heart. Perhaps you have moved to a new town, or your convictions have changed, or a conflict in your congregation has gone on too long. Perhaps a pastor or church leader hurt you. Many people feel guilt, grief, relief, and anger all at once when they think about leaving a church. Christians have always moved between congregations, and leaving one congregation is different from leaving Christ, who promises, “He who comes to me I will in no way throw out” (John 6:37).

Is it okay to leave your church?

Christians are free to leave a congregation, and Scripture shows faithful people parting ways. Paul and Barnabas, who had traveled and preached together, disagreed over whether to bring along a young helper named Mark, and “the contention grew so sharp that they separated from each other” (Acts 15:39). Both kept preaching the gospel. Years later, in his letter to Philemon, Paul names “Mark” among his “fellow workers” (Philemon 24), and the church has long understood him to be the same man. A parting can be faithful, and it can even end in reconciliation.

Long before, Abram and his nephew Lot found that their herds could not share the same land. Abram said, “Please, let there be no strife between you and me” (Genesis 13:8), and they went separate ways in peace.

People leave congregations for many good reasons: a move, a long conflict, a church that has drifted from its calling, or a change in conviction about questions such as women in ministry or the place of gay and lesbian Christians. Christians who hold traditional views sometimes move for the same reasons in the other direction, and they too deserve to worship with a clear conscience. Some discomfort is part of any shared life, and Paul asks believers to keep “bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). Before you leave, it can help to ask whether the trouble is the ordinary friction of family life or a wound that will not heal where you are.

What is church hurt?

“Church hurt” is the name many people give to wounds received in a congregation: gossip, exclusion, shaming for doubts or questions, being pushed out of a ministry, or broken trust in a pastor. Some counselors speak of “religious trauma” for deeper harm, often from churches that controlled their members through fear. The term is not a formal diagnosis, though many therapists find it useful.

Scripture takes such harm seriously. Through Jeremiah, God says, “Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture!” (Jeremiah 23:1). Through Ezekiel, God promises to shepherd the scattered sheep in person:

I will seek that which was lost, and will bring back that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick…

Ezekiel 34:16

Your anger at what happened may be just. Paul writes, “Be angry, and don’t sin” (Ephesians 4:26). Forgiveness can come in its own time, and it never requires you to return to a place where you are unsafe (see Forgiving someone who hurt you). If a church leader abused you, you can report it to the police and to the leader’s denomination. If the abuse was sexual, the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) can help you think through your next steps.

How do I leave a church well?

There is a way to leave that honors God, the people who loved you, and your own conscience:

• Take time and pray. Unless you are in danger, there is no need to decide in a rush.
• Talk with the pastor if it is safe. Many pastors are grateful to hear why someone is leaving. If the pastor is the one who harmed you, you owe no meeting.
• Say thank you and goodbye. Thank the people who taught your children, visited you in the hospital, or prayed with you.
• Leave in peace. Avoid recruiting others to leave with you or spreading grievances. Paul counsels, “If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
• Transfer your membership. When you join a new congregation, ask it to request a transfer of your membership; most mainline churches do this routinely.

How do I find a healthy church?

The First Letter of Peter describes the kind of leaders a congregation should have:

…shepherd the flock of God which is among you, exercising the oversight, not under compulsion, but voluntarily; not for dishonest gain, but willingly; not as lording it over those entrusted to you, but making yourselves examples to the flock.

1 Peter 5:2–3

A healthy congregation has leaders who answer to someone beyond themselves. In the mainline churches, pastors are accountable to a bishop, a presbytery, a synod, or a conference, and members have somewhere to turn if something goes wrong. Written safeguards matter too. The Book of Order of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) requires that “all councils shall adopt and implement a sexual misconduct policy and a child and youth protection policy.” The United Methodist Church’s Safe Sanctuaries program says that, at the urging of its General Conference, United Methodist churches “should have policies in place to reduce the risk of abuse.” The Episcopal Church trains clergy and lay leaders through programs called Safeguarding God’s Children and Safeguarding God’s People, and ELCA pastors are accountable to the bishop of their synod.

Other signs are easy to notice on a Sunday. In a healthy church, worship centers on God’s word and the sacraments, questions are welcome in classes and from the pulpit, the budget is shared openly with members, and people who leave are blessed. Visit several times before deciding, and ask the pastor to meet you for coffee so you can say what you are carrying.

You can start with the guide to mainline churches, which explains what each church teaches, and with the churches’ own directories: the ELCA congregation finder, the PC(USA) directory, the United Methodist church finder, and the Episcopal Church’s church finder. For what these churches share, see Mainline Protestantism.

What if I am afraid to go back to church?

On the first Easter evening, two grieving disciples walked away from Jerusalem toward a village called Emmaus. The risen Jesus walked beside them unrecognized and opened the Scriptures to them, and then he sat down at their table:

When he had sat down at the table with them, he took the bread and gave thanks. Breaking it, he gave it to them. Their eyes were opened and they recognized him…

Luke 24:30–31

That same hour, Luke says, they “returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven gathered together” (Luke 24:33). Christ met them on the road away, and he brought them home to the community.

You can begin small. Attend a weekday service, sit near the back, watch a congregation’s worship online first, or bring a friend. Receiving the bread and wine again after a long absence can feel like coming home (see Holy Communion). If your questions about faith are part of why you left, see Doubt and deconstruction, and if you have been away from worship for a while, see Going to church.

The psalmist remembered the joy of being invited to worship:

I was glad when they said to me, “Let’s go to the LORD’s house!”

Psalm 122:1

May you find that gladness again among people who know your name, and may you know, wherever you worship, the promise of the shepherd psalm: “Surely goodness and loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the LORD’s house forever” (Psalm 23:6).