Dating and faith

The Bible never mentions dating, which did not exist in the ancient world, and the mainline churches apply Scripture’s teaching about love to romantic relationships without laying down a rulebook. If you are asking about dating, you may be hoping to meet someone, nervous about a new relationship, or tired of loneliness. You may also carry old rules from a youth group that left you more anxious than wise. The longing to love and be loved is a good gift from God, and Scripture has much to say about how to honor it.

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), in its 2009 social statement Human Sexuality: Gift and Trust, puts trust at the center: a right relationship with another person is one “in which each seeks to be truly worthy of the other’s trust.” The statement also says that “erotic interest between adults open to a romantic relationship can be a desired part of the growth of trust and intimacy,” and it names lies, exploitation, and manipulation as betrayals of trust.

Does the Bible say anything about dating?

In the world of the Bible, families usually arranged marriages, often when the bride was young. Dating as Americans know it, in which two people choose each other and spend time together before deciding about marriage, took shape only in the early twentieth century. The Bible’s love stories still say a good deal about how people should treat each other.

When Abraham’s servant asked for Rebekah as a wife for Isaac, her family asked for her consent:

They said, “We will call the young lady, and ask her.” They called Rebekah, and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” She said, “I will go.”

Genesis 24:57–58

When Rebekah arrived, Isaac married her, and Genesis says in three words, “He loved her” (Genesis 24:67). Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years before he could marry her:

Jacob served seven years for Rachel. They seemed to him but a few days, for the love he had for her.

Genesis 29:20

In the Book of Ruth, the widow Ruth takes the initiative and asks Boaz to marry her (Ruth 3:9). The Song of Songs, a collection of love poems, celebrates desire and also counsels patience three times: “that you not stir up, nor awaken love, until it so desires” (Song of Songs 2:7).

What does the Bible say about love in a relationship?

Paul wrote his description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 to a quarreling church, and it describes any love worth the name:

Love is patient and is kind. Love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13:4–6

Love that “doesn’t seek its own way” respects the other person’s freedom to say no, to move slowly, or to end the relationship. Consent, the free and willing agreement of both people, belongs to every stage of a relationship, from the first date to physical affection. The ELCA statement says that friends “have the responsibility to respect one another’s physical and emotional boundaries,” and the same holds for couples.

Truthfulness matters as much. Paul told Christians to put away falsehood and “speak truth each one with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25). In dating, that means being truthful about who you are, what you want, and how serious you are. For more on Paul’s chapter on love, see What does 1 Corinthians 13 mean?

What happened to “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”?

In 1997 Joshua Harris published I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which urged young Christians to give up dating in favor of “courtship” overseen by their parents. The book was widely read in evangelical youth groups. In 2018 Harris said he had changed his mind, apologized to people whose lives the book had hurt, and asked the publisher to stop printing it.

Conservative Christians who promoted courtship were right to take commitment, purity of heart, and the counsel of family seriously, and many of them acted out of love for young people. Many people raised in that culture, though, have said that they learned to fear their own attraction to others and carried shame about it into marriage. If that is your story, you can set the shame down. Scripture treats romantic love as good. In Genesis, God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

Can a Christian date someone of another faith?

Many Christians date and marry people of other faiths or of no faith. The phrase “unequally yoked with unbelievers” in 2 Corinthians 6:14 is often quoted against such relationships, but Paul’s subject there is partnership with idol worship, and elsewhere he told Christians married to unbelievers to stay married (1 Corinthians 7:12–13). The mainline churches do not forbid a Christian to marry someone of another faith; see Can a Christian marry a non-Christian?

If you are dating someone of another faith, talk early and openly about what your faith means to you, how you would celebrate holidays, and how you would raise children. For more, see Marrying someone of another faith.

What about sex while dating?

Most churches, including most mainline churches, still officially name marriage as the setting for sex. Many mainline clergy and theologians hold that for unmarried adults, as for married ones, the test of a sexual relationship is love, faithfulness, honesty, consent, and care for the other person. Both views agree that no one should ever pressure a partner, and that sex should never be used to keep someone in a relationship. For a fuller treatment, see Sex before marriage.

Can LGBTQ+ Christians date?

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Christians are called to the same kind of love as everyone else, and the same counsel about honesty, consent, and respect applies to them. The ELCA, the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), the United Methodist Church, and the Episcopal Church permit their clergy to marry same-sex couples, so a same-sex relationship can grow toward marriage in church. See Gay, lesbian, and bisexual Christians and Can same-sex couples marry in church?

What are the warning signs of a controlling relationship?

Control and abuse can begin slowly, and they sometimes borrow religious language, for example by demanding obedience in the name of the Bible. Warning signs include a partner who:

• checks your phone or demands your passwords;
• decides whom you may see, what you may wear, or how you spend money;
• calls jealousy proof of love;
• insults you, threatens you, or blames you for their anger;
• pressures you into sexual activity; or
• cuts you off from friends, family, or church.

None of those behaviors is love, which “doesn’t seek its own way.” Ending a relationship like that is no failure of faith or forgiveness. If you are afraid of a partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Young people can also find help at loveisrespect.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Whether you are dating, hoping to date, or healing from a relationship that went wrong, your worth rests in God’s love for you, which is already complete. Augustine of Hippo opened his Confessions with words to God that every lonely heart can pray: “You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You” (Confessions 1.1). The love you hope to share with another person comes from that first love, and it can lead you back to it.