Grieving during the holidays

Grief often grows heavier during the holidays. The first Thanksgiving after a death, the first Christmas, and the first new year your loved one will not see each arrive with their own ache. Carols play in the grocery store, the stocking hangs empty, and an empty chair waits at the table while everyone around you seems to be celebrating. If you are mourning this season, you are welcome in it. The Christmas story has room for your sorrow, and the Christ who came at Christmas came into the dark.

If your grief has brought you to thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 in the United States to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.

Why is grief harder during the holidays?

The holidays are built from memory. The same recipes, songs, and rooms return each year, and each ritual carries the shape of the person who used to share it. Grief returns with them. Many people also carry losses that no one sends a card about, such as a divorce, an estranged child, a miscarriage, a diagnosis, or a home that no longer exists. Every one of these is grief, and the season’s insistence on cheer can make a mourner feel very alone.

Scripture knows that the calendar and the heart do not always agree. The Teacher of Ecclesiastes says there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). The world around you may be dancing while your heart mourns. God honors both, and God draws near to the one who weeps:

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Is there sorrow in the Christmas story?

The Gospels tell the birth of Jesus with sorrow woven through it. When Mary and Joseph brought the infant Jesus to the Temple, the old man Simeon blessed them, and then he told Mary, “a sword will pierce through your own soul” (Luke 2:35). Mary carried that word through the years until she stood at the cross.

Matthew’s Gospel tells that King Herod, hunting the newborn king, ordered the killing of the young boys of Bethlehem. Matthew hears in their mothers’ cries the voice of the prophet Jeremiah:

A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children; she wouldn’t be comforted, because they are no more.

Matthew 2:18

Rachel “wouldn’t be comforted,” and Scripture does not scold her. The church keeps the memory of those children in the middle of the Christmas season, on December 28 in Western churches and December 29 in the Orthodox East. Within the twelve days of Christmas, the church makes room for parents who mourn.

The Orthodox icon of the Nativity shows the same truth in color. The newborn Christ lies in a dark cave, wrapped in bands of cloth, in a manger that looks like a tomb. OrthodoxWiki’s description says the manger “is like a casket” and his swaddling clothes are “very much like the grave clothes.” The child was born to share our death and to break its power. John’s Gospel says it in one line: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn’t overcome it” (John 1:5).

How can Advent help those who grieve?

Advent, the four weeks before Christmas, is a season of longing. Its best-loved hymn, “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” is a paraphrase of ancient chants sung in the last days before Christmas, first translated into English by John Mason Neale in 1851. It prays for God to come to Israel, “that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear.” In Advent the whole church prays the prayer of the grieving. Your longing for the one you lost, and for the day when death is undone, belongs to that prayer. For more on the season, see Advent.

Isaiah’s promise is read in many churches on Christmas Eve:

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. The light has shined on those who lived in the land of the shadow of death.

Isaiah 9:2

What is a Blue Christmas or Longest Night service?

Many congregations, among them United Methodist, Lutheran, and Presbyterian churches, hold a simple evening service near December 21, the longest night of the year, for people who find the season painful. These services go by names such as Blue Christmas, Longest Night, or a Service of Remembrance. They usually include Scripture, prayers for those who mourn, and candles lit in memory of loved ones. You do not need to belong to the congregation to come. Many mourners find relief in a room where no one expects them to smile.

How can I get through the holidays while grieving?

Give yourself permission to do less. You may keep some traditions, change others, and set some aside for a year. Tell the people you trust what you need, whether that is company on Christmas Eve or an early night. Make room for the one you lost by lighting a candle, hanging an ornament they loved, or telling a story about them at the table. Say their name, and invite others to say it.

Go to worship if you can, even if you cannot sing. The church can sing for you while you listen. At Holy Communion the church on earth joins its praise with the angels and all the company of heaven, and the Apostles’ Creed confesses “the communion of saints.” Many mourners find that the altar rail is where they feel closest to those they love who have died in Christ. The Letter to the Hebrews speaks of “so great a cloud of witnesses” surrounding the faithful (Hebrews 12:1). For the hope behind that confidence, see Reunion with those we love and Grief and the Christian hope.

Children grieve during the holidays too, often in bursts between play. Let them see you cry, and let them ask their questions. If you are alone this year, ask a congregation for a place at its Christmas meal, or offer one to someone else who is alone (see Loneliness and the gift of community).

When should I ask for help with holiday grief?

Grief comes in waves, and the holidays often bring a large one. Ask for help if you cannot sleep or eat for weeks at a time, if you rely on alcohol to get through the evenings, or if sorrow has turned into a heaviness that never lifts. A pastor will visit and pray with you, and many hospices, churches, and funeral homes run grief support groups. A counselor or doctor can help, and seeking that help is part of caring for the life God gave you (see Anxiety, depression, and faith). If you are struggling with alcohol or drugs, SAMHSA’s National Helpline is 1-800-662-4357.

If you are thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 in the United States, any hour of the day or night, or visit findahelpline.com outside the United States.

In 1868 Phillips Brooks, rector of Holy Trinity Church in Philadelphia, wrote a carol for the children of his parish, remembering a pilgrimage to Bethlehem three years before. Its first verse ends, “Yet in thy dark streets shineth / The everlasting Light; / The hopes and fears of all the years / Are met in thee tonight.” Your hopes and your fears, your love and your loss, are met in the child of Bethlehem this year. He is near to the brokenhearted, and he keeps every tear until the day he wipes them away.